I was supposed to go back to work today, but I didn't. I have been w/out my happy pills for a couple of days now, and I guess I didn't realize that this was a problem. Last night as I got ready for bed, I felt the whole world crashing down on me. I suddenly understood what Atlas feels like. Damn the world is heavy. I have had terrible nightmares, people dying on me, or telling me I am a terrible person, or well just not loving me like I thought they would.
I try to hide this mostly because I know that it just causes havoc for Dan. He's a sweet man who is very smart but not socially so. I guess he falls into the guy frame of mind of: "CRAP! how do I fix this?"
It took a long time to stop crying, and I bit of time to get it out. I ran the whole gambit, Everyone hates me, I suck, I can't fake it anymore! I am scared of going on, scared of dying, scared of Dan dying, scared of everyone else I love dying, scared of going back to work. Scared of EVERYTHING!
I cried because Brandy doesn't work with me anymore and Jill is out on Maternity leave. It's crazy because Brandy has been gone for a year, and it still stings a bit. Jill is only gone for 3 months and I am sad because it feels like it's going to be 3 years. Don't get me wrong, I love my job and I love the people I work with. They are bright, funny, and understand. But I have a special bond with these two ladies that just goes above the co-worker world.
I cried because Lorie is so far away and Beth is so far the other way. I feel bad because I feel so needy. Stef is right here and I can't even feel good about bugging her, and Charlotte is so far away from me.
I feel like a loser and a failure because I can't even fix their problems. ( maybe my testosterone is up. I have a guy-like fix it obsession).
I feel really frustrated because I don't have the will power to do anything. I went to Stef's tonight to let Lily out, and that seemed to wipe me out. I came home and instead of cleaning my house, or even making a token attempt, I am crying on my computer and to this blog.
did I tell you I called a cleaning service to find out what it would cost to have my house cleaned? The person who came seemed to think it would take 2 people 8 hours to clean. That's 1 bedroom, 1 kitchen, 1 living room, 1 family room and 2 bathrooms. for $512.00.
I was thinking it would be a couple of hours for 2 people. I was thinking about $150.00. Five hundred twelve dollars is just a bit above my budget. This frustrates me, because I can't seem to do it myself and Dan can't do it. I don't want family or friends to help, because that's a guilty thing and I would end up doing it myself. So anyone who knows someone in the SLC area who wants to earn $150.00 dollars for cleaning up a house, let me know.
This has too caused stress. I took a sleeping pill tonight. I need to make sure I sleep and get up and go to work and remember that I am ok. good night
Monday, June 11, 2012
Saturday, June 2, 2012
would rather be blogging about my trip
As soon as we got home from Florida I knew something was off. I was sure it was just me being extra tired, because we were pretty non stop. I kept telling myself I was going to blog about the trip and bore everyone, but I couldn't get up the energy.
as the days went by I felt a bit more tired and a upset with myself that I was going to forget the whole trip before I got it "down on paper". I was also feeling a bit overwhelmed as my work load increased on it's own, and Jill went out on Maternity leave. I started feeling a bit of stress by the end of my 2nd week back. Thursday night (5/24/12) I was up late with HeartBurn. Now I know that before I have thought it was heartburn and it wasn't, but I have a rule now. I take HB meds, and if it goes away, we are good. It did and I went to work on Friday. but Friday night I was feeling it again. I had plans for Saturday and felt bad enough Saturday morning to cancel them. By Saturday Night I was having a heavy squeeze on my chest and the HB meds weren't touching it. Dan asked if I needed to go to the hospital and all I could think of was that I needed to shower first.
After my shower I got dressed in my most comfiest of clothes and asked my sweet concerned hubby to take me to the ER. We had our Kindles in hand and Dan even grabbed a charger just in case. I feel like such a seasoned vet when it comes to this. I am seriously thinking they should have some sort of frequent patient rewards program. Something like Tylenol for free with every 2 ER visits w/in 3 years.
They took me right back. Oddly enough telling someone you have chest pain seems to get them moving faster than if I said I was bleeding from a cut off limb. I was whisked to the back of the ER at IMC and hooked up before Dan could get his Kindle going.
I have to be honest and say I wasn't impressed with my ER Dr. very much. I realize of course that his job is not to impress me, and his customer service tone and manners left a lot to be desired. I assumed he read my past file before seeing me, because he made me feel (by tone and attitude, not by words completely) that I was a bad girl and was being sent to the principles office for detention.
The first EKG done was good. Nothing seemed wrong. I was still hurting in my chest, but it was manageable. Hum.... maybe it was just HB after all. But about 30 minutes into my visit my pain increased like no other. OWIE! I gritted my teeth and said nothing for as long as I could stand it. The Nurse came back and gave me a GI cocktail. Basically a liquid mix of all HB stuff that could help. I chugged that baby down, made my lips and tongue go numb and continued to have some pain. She stuck a Nitro Pill under my tongue and all it did was give me a blinking headache. The Doctor came back in, asked me questions and treated me like he was the one doped up. when he walked out of the room I looked at Dan and shrugged my shoulders. He made me feel like I was making everything up.
Finally the EKG guy came back, the Blood Pressure was sky rocketing, and the nurse gave me another Nitro. The Doctor came back and said they were going to admit me because this time the EKG was bad.
I was admitted to the ICU, Given a drip of Nitro which gave me a tremendous headache and the chest pain dulled to a mild pressure.
The Cardiologist came to see me Sunday Morning. He was NICE. He told me that they would take me to the CATH lab as soon as possible to look me over. Unfortunately it was a holiday weekend, and I guess everyone else needed the lab before me. I got passed over 5 times. The last time the CATH team was in my room and got a call about an emergency. I had nothing to eat for 17 hours. The nurse was nice enough to sneak me crackers and a water at about Hour 17. Finally I got to go down. I was so tired and achey the moment they finally put the pain killers in me I was out like a light.
I had 1 full blockage in my Right Artery closest to my heart and 80% blockage just a bit farther down the same artery. I actually have several more partially blocked vessels. I'm a walking time bomb. Thanks Mom and Dad! those genetics are GREAT!
I am now at home recovering and while I'm still tired I am getting better. But instead of blogging about Sunny Orlando and my great arm tan, I am blogging about my trip to the hospital. Grrr.
Hopefully in the next few days I will get the trip down for my own purposes.
as the days went by I felt a bit more tired and a upset with myself that I was going to forget the whole trip before I got it "down on paper". I was also feeling a bit overwhelmed as my work load increased on it's own, and Jill went out on Maternity leave. I started feeling a bit of stress by the end of my 2nd week back. Thursday night (5/24/12) I was up late with HeartBurn. Now I know that before I have thought it was heartburn and it wasn't, but I have a rule now. I take HB meds, and if it goes away, we are good. It did and I went to work on Friday. but Friday night I was feeling it again. I had plans for Saturday and felt bad enough Saturday morning to cancel them. By Saturday Night I was having a heavy squeeze on my chest and the HB meds weren't touching it. Dan asked if I needed to go to the hospital and all I could think of was that I needed to shower first.
After my shower I got dressed in my most comfiest of clothes and asked my sweet concerned hubby to take me to the ER. We had our Kindles in hand and Dan even grabbed a charger just in case. I feel like such a seasoned vet when it comes to this. I am seriously thinking they should have some sort of frequent patient rewards program. Something like Tylenol for free with every 2 ER visits w/in 3 years.
They took me right back. Oddly enough telling someone you have chest pain seems to get them moving faster than if I said I was bleeding from a cut off limb. I was whisked to the back of the ER at IMC and hooked up before Dan could get his Kindle going.
I have to be honest and say I wasn't impressed with my ER Dr. very much. I realize of course that his job is not to impress me, and his customer service tone and manners left a lot to be desired. I assumed he read my past file before seeing me, because he made me feel (by tone and attitude, not by words completely) that I was a bad girl and was being sent to the principles office for detention.
The first EKG done was good. Nothing seemed wrong. I was still hurting in my chest, but it was manageable. Hum.... maybe it was just HB after all. But about 30 minutes into my visit my pain increased like no other. OWIE! I gritted my teeth and said nothing for as long as I could stand it. The Nurse came back and gave me a GI cocktail. Basically a liquid mix of all HB stuff that could help. I chugged that baby down, made my lips and tongue go numb and continued to have some pain. She stuck a Nitro Pill under my tongue and all it did was give me a blinking headache. The Doctor came back in, asked me questions and treated me like he was the one doped up. when he walked out of the room I looked at Dan and shrugged my shoulders. He made me feel like I was making everything up.
Finally the EKG guy came back, the Blood Pressure was sky rocketing, and the nurse gave me another Nitro. The Doctor came back and said they were going to admit me because this time the EKG was bad.
I was admitted to the ICU, Given a drip of Nitro which gave me a tremendous headache and the chest pain dulled to a mild pressure.
The Cardiologist came to see me Sunday Morning. He was NICE. He told me that they would take me to the CATH lab as soon as possible to look me over. Unfortunately it was a holiday weekend, and I guess everyone else needed the lab before me. I got passed over 5 times. The last time the CATH team was in my room and got a call about an emergency. I had nothing to eat for 17 hours. The nurse was nice enough to sneak me crackers and a water at about Hour 17. Finally I got to go down. I was so tired and achey the moment they finally put the pain killers in me I was out like a light.
I had 1 full blockage in my Right Artery closest to my heart and 80% blockage just a bit farther down the same artery. I actually have several more partially blocked vessels. I'm a walking time bomb. Thanks Mom and Dad! those genetics are GREAT!
I am now at home recovering and while I'm still tired I am getting better. But instead of blogging about Sunny Orlando and my great arm tan, I am blogging about my trip to the hospital. Grrr.
Hopefully in the next few days I will get the trip down for my own purposes.
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