Had a total metldown, so warning. this is a whiney fest. read at your own risk

I was supposed to go back to work today, but I didn't. I have been w/out my happy pills for a couple of days now, and I guess I didn't realize that this was a problem. Last night as I got ready for bed, I felt the whole world crashing down on me. I suddenly understood what Atlas feels like. Damn the world is heavy. I have had terrible nightmares, people dying on me, or telling me I am a terrible person, or well just not loving me like I thought they would.

I try to hide this mostly because I know that it just causes havoc for Dan. He's a sweet man who is very smart but not socially so. I guess he falls into the guy frame of mind of: "CRAP! how do I fix this?"

It took a long time to stop crying, and I bit of time to get it out. I ran the whole gambit, Everyone hates me, I suck, I can't fake it anymore! I am scared of going on, scared of dying, scared of Dan dying, scared of everyone else I love dying, scared of going back to work. Scared of EVERYTHING!

I cried because Brandy doesn't work with me anymore and  Jill is out on Maternity leave. It's crazy because Brandy has been gone for a year, and it still stings a bit. Jill is only gone for 3 months and I am sad because it feels like it's going to be 3 years. Don't get me wrong, I love my job and I love the people I work with. They are bright, funny, and understand. But I  have a special bond with these two ladies that just goes above the co-worker world.

I cried because Lorie is so far away and Beth is so far the other way. I feel bad because I feel so needy. Stef is right here and I can't even feel good about bugging her, and Charlotte is so far away from me.

I feel like a loser and a failure because I can't even fix their problems. ( maybe my testosterone is up.  I have a guy-like fix it obsession).

I feel really frustrated because I don't have the will power to do anything. I went to Stef's tonight to let Lily out, and that seemed to wipe me out. I came home and instead of cleaning my house, or even making a token attempt, I am crying on my computer and to this blog.

did I tell you I called a cleaning service to find out what it would cost to have my house cleaned? The person who came seemed to think it would take 2 people 8 hours to clean. That's 1 bedroom, 1 kitchen, 1 living room, 1 family room and 2 bathrooms.  for $512.00.

I was thinking it would be a couple of hours for 2 people. I was thinking about $150.00.  Five hundred twelve dollars is just a bit above my budget. This frustrates me, because I can't seem to do it myself and Dan can't do it. I don't want family or friends to help, because that's a guilty thing and I would end up doing it myself.  So anyone who knows someone in the SLC area who wants to earn $150.00 dollars for cleaning up a house, let me know.

This has too caused stress. I took a sleeping pill tonight. I need to make sure I sleep and get up and go to work and remember that I am ok.  good night