The ugly truth of my life

So I went to the doctors on Friday. It was the Cardiologist Swanky Raccoon, He said that my right leg has an occlusion still and my left leg has a few. He is scheduling me for a MRA, which is like an MRI, and this will let him see exactly where the occlusions are.  Then he is having the hospital schedule me for another angiogram on my right leg first.  There they will put in a stint to help the one occlusion there.  After... he will have them schedule to do my left leg, and will probably put in a few stints.  He said if this doesn't work then the last resort is to do a bypass.  Since I have no veins left to take in my left leg due to my heart bypass, they will have to use a synthetic, or a pig vein. Oink!

I am sure that some of this is due to my eating and diabetes. Well I'm pretty sure of it. I'm trying to be good, but I almost feel like I am two different people.  One is determined to be good, eat right and do what I need to live a good life. The other is determined to do things her own way.  Good Twin is eating salad, and looking at labels and trying to make good food choices like bananas and strawberries instead of candy and chocolate.  The Bad Twin is frustrated with good food choices because she is sure she is ALWAYS hungry and wants to eat something to dull the pain. Strawberries and Bananas don't fill her tummy. (they really do, she just thinks they don't).

AND then I find myself pissed off at anyone who mentions my eating habits to me. Which of course makes me run right out to McDonald's or Wendy's or where ever just to spite them. Which of course is really just punishing me.  Case in point I was eating some gummy bears just two minutes ago. When I mentioned to Dan that I was eating gummy bears, he picked up the bag and took it away.  Good Twin acknowledges that this is Excellent.  Bad Twin is about to beat him down in the floor and stomp him to get them back.

(I'm blogging about it so I won't do it.)  *SIGH*

I'm learning more about myself as I go. Not that it helps to know why I'm doing this, but hey.....
I've decided that I am a reverse anorexic.  A person with Anorexia will starve themselves to show they are in control. I am over eating.  I'm obsessed with food so much that I am planning my meals in advance. (not in a healthy, cost saving way, but in a yummy, I WILL HAVE IT! way).  If someone tells me no, then I must show my control of my life by saying yes.  If someone hurts my feelings I'm at Wendy's. If my day at work goes bad, I'm at Burger King and I'm King Sizing it.  If I'm tired and Dan says he will thaw something, I'm angry and will stop on my way home somewhere, get something, eat it before I get home, and then eat what he makes an hour later.  This is a destructive way to live. And weird. Because folks I am in control of my life.

I control what gets paid for and when. I have my own money to spend that does not have to be justified to anyone. I decide what goes where in my house and if I want the walls yellow or green it's my choice.
I control (as much as any person can) what happens at work, and what happens at play.  And yet I feel like I have no control at all.  I think I eat from guilt. Because no one can stop me. Not really. I eat because I feel guilty about something going on w/a family member. I eat because I feel guilty about not wanting to do something for a friend. I feel guilty because someone else's life is out of control and I can't help.

So every time I feel guilty (which is almost all of the time) I eat.  If I can't get fast food I'm eating junk at home. Some people have said to me, "Denise, just don't bring the junk food home." but you don't know Bad Twin that well, because she will make me drive to wherever to get it.

Now I have to work twice as hard. I have to try to defeat 37 years of bad eating habits and a Bad Twin, to just eat healthy, and I have to defeat the same amount of time of bad habit in controlling how much I eat. Because I can eat a 1 pound bag of baby carrots in 30 minutes of mindlessly munching. I can down broccoli in about the same time. I thought about eating celery, but it wouldn't make it much longer than the carrots.

I'm counting on friends to help and at the same time totally dreading it. Because Bad Twin will only hear the  remarks as negative and she will fight me like no other. Unless I have a keeper, I'm screwed.